Trying to Beat the Struggle

Work is better.

Home is better; especially financially and regarding support for the biggest small, however I have severely neglected taking care of myself both mentally and physically. I don’t mean in terms of bathing, sleeping, eating, drinking and your basic day to day self care.

I mean more in terms of actually doing something in order to overcome the frustration I feel at myself in tackling my weight problem and my anxiety. I have a year’s gym membership which I have not used since my grandma passed away, and I have also paid for a years slimming world membership…in October.

Which I am not doing well at, or even trying. I am meant to be a bridesmaid next February but I look in the middle and see a frumpy, past-it 32 year old. I don’t know if there’s any other way o can approach this or maintain my efforts aside from biting the bullet and doing it.

I feel I have so many new starts and changes and ugh, it gets old. I realise that’s because it has to come from me, the maintenance and accountability. So here we go, let’s take it a little at a time and slowly best this thing.

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Positive Reflection

Despite the fact that by the afternoon I was feeling rather jaded about work again, I managed to accomplish a few positives this evening.  I renewed my DBS certificate for another year, and wrote the majority of my supporting statement for the biggest small’s DLA application.

Also, I gave myself the diet goal tonight if having a completely syn-free dinner which I managed and also not to have any snacks between dinner and bed, which I also achieved. Achieving goals is awesome, no matter how big or small. Tomorrow, as silly as it sounds, I challenge myself not to have any biscuits at snack time and to only eat what I bring for my lunch from home. And not to feel anxious about the morning drive taking littlest small to my aunty’s!

Belated Merry Christmas!

…I have a semi permanent reminder of all the joyous festivities as I have gained half a stone in weight over the last few weeks.

Along with an autism diagnosis for the biggest small and working alone due to my mum having surgery, it’s not had the greatest impact on my overall health however I am determined now to turn this around. On a positive note, my little sister has got engaged and asked me to be a bridesmaid in 14 months time and I have been accepted to do a master’s degree starting in September next year.

I can still watch videos of balloons being burst, and have felt less anxiety when walking through town if there are balloons so that is also a positive. I have had a lot to overcome in 2017, like many, and feel ready with goals in mind to tackle 2018.

Since I started this blog I have definitely noticed some positive changes, the main thing now is to rebuild those habits and keep them up. It always seemed quite cliche to me to resolve to make changes at the start of a new year, however now I realise it doesn’t matter when as long as you do something. Everything starts with a good intention. 

So here’s to the end of 2017 and the start of a new year. 3 stone to lose…go!

Bloodstock 2017

I was very anxious in the lead up to Bloodstock this year. Husband and I only had a day ticket for the Sunday, so with a good friend driving and my mum taking care of the kids we were ready to go.
I had been feeling anxious about the crowds, whether there would be loud pyrotechnics or fireworks, what state the toilets would be in and whether I would have any difficulty getting drink so that I could deal with the above. 
I had nothing to worry about. I was with good friends, the booze flowed freely and although there were pyrotechnics there was nothing loud or frightening. I enjoyed Obituary, Skindred, Arch Enemy and Megadeth whilst in good company and rather inebriated.

Definitely felt the after effects for a couple of days afterwards; roll in next year! 

3.5 weeks post surgery

I have made a few changes recently. Firstly, I joined Slimming World for the third time (!) a fortnight after my op and it’s going well so far. I am able to make it work at work as well as home. I need to do it for a year I reckon; not deciding after a few months I don’t need it anymore and undoing my hard work.

Also trying to make more of a conscious effort to be more present in the now. My biggest downfall is technology; I am playing an online game and find myself constantly checking it. I should try and restrict myself! 

That aside I am feeling good, healed and ready to move on. There are plenty of balloon videos and meditations for me to be gettin on with whilst trying to ignore the call of gaming! 

Post Surgical Summary

I’ve had it!
I have been put to sleep and under the knife (surely you say that for keyhole too?!) and am back home to tell the tale. After a long wait and hospita visits qhich I have posted about here, my gallbladder is no longer a part of me.   My surgery was Sunday,  and I was advised to get there for 7 and not eat anything since the night before as is standard.
After an 8 hour wait I finally went down to theatre where thew op itself went very well and I was brought up to the ward. However,  perhaps because I hadn’t eaten or drank my blood pressure was very low so I quite willingly spent the night in hospital in my own private room and enjoyed the benefits of hospital drugs and meals brought to me and the comfy hospital bed!

I got home yesterday late afternoon and have been having codeine and paracetamol. Mindfulness helped a lot, during the wait, anaesthesia and recovery.  The codeine is affecting my thoughts right now so I am going to stop but yay surgery and yay mindfulness! 

Weekend Away

I am writing this from our caravan on the last night of our weekend away at Reighton Sands resort in Filey.

We have had a lovely time, and I overcame the challenge of driving to a holiday destination with the assistance of husband and google maps. I learned that I don’t like driving on country roads because they are very bendy and other drivers get cross if you don’t overtske lorries despite the fact you can’t see around them properly to get a proper view of the roadcahead to determine whether it is safe to or not.
We have taken the boys on the beach, swimming, on the park, out for dinner and in the arcade. Many photos were taken. The caravan is lovely and comfortable despite there being 6 of us and everything is so close that we haven’t used the car since we got here.

So for the journey back, I am going to stand up for all other cautious drivers and if i want to sit safely but slowly behind a lorry on an unfamiliar country road, I bloody well will! 
If people get impatient, that’s their problem not mine. I am who I am, not the sum of what others may think of me.
Update: Back Home 2 nights later.
I am so proud of myself, drove back all in one go with no problems! Also received a massive compliment from mother in law; I don’t have any wrinkles and apparently look a lot younger than my 32 years! Blimey!

Have my pre-op appointment tomorrow for Sunday’s surgery. Eek.

13 Reasons Why

This post is a little bit different. I just finished watching “13 Reasons Why” after seeing a lot of comments about it on Facebook from friends. I found the pace slow yet intriguing and the more I watched the more I wanted to learn the outcome. And it got me thinking that I want to share my 13 reasons (not exhaustive) why I want to live.  I am not writing this because I feel suicidal or depressed, more as an affirmation and reminder to appreciate the goodness and joy in life. I also don’t intend it to be a list to state what others should be grateful for because it’s my list but feel the show has had a subtle yet profound impact which I would like to express through writing. So here is my list, unedited and written as it comes to me.

1. My family, immediate and wider. So much love and supporof completiothat goes both ways.

2. My children. I am their world as they are mine.

3. Friendships I share in near and distant proximity, especially those that blossom and grow with little effort.

4. I have a car which I am allowed to use whenever I want to go wherever I would like to. And am getting more confident in doing so!

5. Sooooooo many books and e-books to get through.

6. Using my bullet journal to accomplish day-to-day tasks and relishing in the satisfaction of completion.

7. My mini home gym; I can exercise without leaving the house.

8. Running dates with my beans 🙂

9. Living near a good pub.

10. Future study plans and anticipating my return to academia.

11. We are financially comfortable enough to cover our bills yet poor enough to really appreciate it

12. Life has a lot of lovely surprises, big and small

13. I feel loved.

I could go on but this is a list of 13 reasons in keeping  with the show title. And on that note, time to do a loving kindness meditation.

Being Here Now

I am going to try my very best to articulate these thoughts into words, so bear with me. Firstly,  I cannot fail to mention my sadness about the horrific events that occurred in Manchester last night.  My heart breaks a little with every story, plea for contact with unaccounted for loved ones and devastating news at those who sadly won’t be going home.

Also, the thing that has made me well up the most is the pride i feel for the fellow humans who have gone above and beyond to provide comfort, food, transport, shelter and love to those affected.

I also cannot imagine how Ariana Grande is feeling having her performance targeted like that. Poor lady.

With that said, the inspiration for tonight’s blog came to me whilst I was meditating following a reluctant dumbell workout (wow how pretentious does that sound?!).  A little while ago I wrote about the difference between being and doing, and how to differentiate between the two in real life. Easier said than done, right? But it led me to think about exercise. It’s no secret I have an ongoing battle with my weight and by proxy physical appearance. I am trying hard to sever the mental link between that and my self worth. One sure fire way to lose weight and generally get healthier is to exercise. Before I have put pressure on myself to do it, because that’s how you lose weight (as well as eating right). However since I have made a habit of it, I am enjoying working out for the sake of working out. 
Forget whatever goals I have of one day feeling like it might be acceptable to wear a bikini in front of other people (not that I intend to, just feeling like I can); that would be acceptable bonus acceptable nd not the be all and end all. I LIKE  the workouts I am doing. I LIKE  the lady that does them. And as a bonus, I like the positive difference it makes to my frame of mind. And with no defined goal, it makes it feel a lot more relaxed!
Summary: Do it because you like it and do what has to be done.
Second point from that: meditation. I recall reading several times not to meditate to achieve enlightenment,  sleep, relaxation or any other profound experience other than to perform the act itself and spend some time purely in the moment.  It made me think that I am not lost in meditation, which seems to be quite a popular hippy outsider concept ( for want of a better definition) but through mindfulness practice I am HERE in meditation. 

Despite my amateur ramblings, I feel this demonstrates to myself that I am really getting the concept of living mindfully and the attitudes  I’m beginning to adapt naturally reflect that. 
There, that feels better! Now to enjoy the rest of my bath and hopefully the baby will sleep through the night 🙂

32@32

Bizarre title, no?

I turn 32 on Thursday so I decided to create my own 30 day challenge, but as it turns out it will be a 32 day challenge.  And when I say challenge, I guess I mean more of a plan to help me grow physically, mentally and to a degree spiritually. It’s tailored to me personally, because we all have stuff going on that might make it difficult to follow a pretty determined 30 day challenge (in my experience anyway) so I will see how this goes! 

Before that, I have to contend with the reality that my biggest small turns 3 tomorrow. He is a little boy rather than a baby. 

This is when he was all new and squidgy 🙂

And here is is 2 days ago, posing on his buggy board!

No doubt I will be totes emosh tomorrow. And that isn’t a phrase I actually use in real life. Tonight; cake baking, challenge planning and (mostly) sugar free cookie eating!